United Hyrule Republic
by hoyteca
Summary: This is a larger story composed of smaller stories dealing with the people, events, and politics of the United Hyrule Republic.
1. History and Near Unanimous Decision

*****Prologue*****

Hyrule. A vast region of land and sea. In between the two massive peninsulas lay the Great Hyrulean Sea. Separating this region from its neighbor is a fortified wall nearly a hundred fifty feet high, a hundred feet thick at the base, fifty feet thick at the top, and about 2850 miles long. Built from year 20 to year 140, this wall served as the front line in various wars.

Ikana first settled this region in what became known as year 1. They were soon followed by the Rito, Hylians, and Darknuts in the following decade. Zoras and Tundrareans arrived later from the sea and Gorons from the eastern regions. Outcasts eventually settled in the western desert, creating the Twili, Gerudo, and Moblin nations. Before the first century was half-over, the Deku and Kokiri were discovered in the northern forests. Outside the Gorons, Tundereans, and nations of outcasts, these peoples spread throughout the entire region. This became known as the Settlement Era.

Not everything was well in the lands and waters of Hyrule. It wasn't long before political differences split the peoples into various nations. The Kokiri fired the first seeds of war by invading and eventually conquering the neighboring Deku Kingdoms. Forces loyal to Ahkgan'm, second Zant of the Twili, fought a ferocious civil war with the ruling republic, forever separating the nation into two separate states after the fighting became an inescapable quagmire. Meanwhile, the Tundereans attacked the neighboring Gorons, only to watch the large creatures of rock and flesh conquer their once-mighty nation.

In the fifth century, Majora, Goddess of Evil and Corruption, attacked the region. She turned the Ikana people into undead beings and plunged their nation into civil war. She introduced the peoples to racism and turned the Kokiri into bloodsucking monsters. The remaining nations each produced a hero of great wisdom, intense power, and incredible courage. Majora was slain, but her damage was just short of permanent.

In the year 974, the rulers of Hyleana and the Gerudo started the United Hyrule Republic. It was a governing body designed to unite the peoples under a single government. Soon, the other unconquered nations, other than the Kokiri nation of Kokireana, joined. As their first order of business, the liberated the Deku Kingdom, which joined soon after.

*****Chapter One*****

King Gustav of Hyleana approached the podium in the United Republic Hall. Readying his papers, he cleared his throat and addressed the crowd of rulers and dignitaries.

"Men and women of this assembly." he spoke in a calm, but commanding, voice, "I have gone over our current defense plans and they don't look good."

He listened to the murmurs for a few seconds before continuing.

"Though the wall is thick, our armies mighty, and our navies large, we have glaring vulnerabilities. Firstly, the Kokiri have been growing more violent lately and I fear this may trigger another Majora episode. Since the forest is a deathtrap, I suggest we build a wall around their corruption and blockade them from foreign materials and mercenaries."

The other members of the Hall whispered agreements with one-another.

"This wall won't be cheap, but neither is another war and my country will happily pay for most of it."

"My people will supply stone and metal for its construction." the Goron representative told him.

"You can count on our navies for the blockade." leaders from the three Zora nations added.

"We will provide many of our finest warriors for patrols." the representative for the Rito tribes told King Gustav, "Never underestimate the advantages of good air support."

"That won't be necessary." the President of the Hylrea Republic told him, "Your soldiers have brittle bones and little armor. Besides, everyone else, other than the heavy Gorons, have been researching the possibilities of flying machines. Your skill is obsolete."

"You can't be serious." the Rito dignitary scoffed, "We've provided air support for our allies for centuries. We provided the recon. We bombed enemy ships miles from the nearest friendly ship. We will continue our services."

"I'm afraid she's right." Gustav told the Rito, "Yesterday, you're an asset. Today, you're not needed. Tomorrow, you're a liability."

"We provide so much and ask for nothing in return." the Rito screeched after the other members nodded in silent agreement. , "We cost you nothing. We only ask for a chance to prove that we are still valuable."

"You still are." the Gerudo queen told him, "Your peoples' clothes, technology, customs, and system of governance remain virtually unchanged since the early Settlement Age."

"We are a proud warrior people and we belong on the battlefield."

"You belong in a museum." the Gerudo countered, "While we have gunpowder, you rely on spears and bows. While we have powerful magic, you relied on a now-dead dragon. You refuse to acknowledge our technologies, our magic, or our goddesses."

"Valoo is the only god we need." the Rito growled, "While your beloved do-nothing Din, no-action Nyrue, hands-off Farore, and all-ignoring Hylia watched Majora corrupt the land, Valoo fought with the heroes."

"It's complicated." the Gerudo told him condescendingly, "The Goddesses are what we like to call 'goddesses'. Majora is a goddess. The good goddesses know that balance is important. If they attack Majora, balance is broken. If people slay Majora, balance is maintained. Since Valoo fought Majora and balance remained intact and Valoo managed to die just a few days ago, Valoo is not a god. So, goddesses fighting goddess is no-no. People fighting goddess is yes-yes. Valoo is dragon, not god. Complicated."

"Heresy." the Rito barked, "Valoo is a god and he will be reborn when his egg hatches. Since he is the only god who helps, he is the only one worth worshipping."

"Birdy not understand simple thing." the Goron king laughed, "Let nice Goron speak in simple way birdy understand. Valoo not deity. Valoo old dragon. Birdy people confused."

"That's the second vulnerability." Gustav told the Hall, "The Rito are too weak to provide much help, are too proud to adapt to or turn down something they have no way of properly dealing with, and are too important a part of our culture and history to lose."

"What are you getting at?" the Rito demanded.

"You will be given a few days to mourn the loss of your beloved dragon." the Hylian monarch explained, "If the hall approves, I say we round them up for their protection and hold them in facilities where their way of life will be safe from the modernization they have proven time and time again they are unable to adapt to. All in favor, say aye and write it down. All opposed, say nay and write it down if your wings can hold the pen."

The Rito angrily gave the sole nay vote against the others' aye votes.

"The ayes have it." King Gustav announced, "United Hyrule Republic guards, capture the bird."

"You can't do this!" the Rito shouted as the guards shackled him, "We are people!"

"You are an endangered species of mere animals." Gustav countered, "Your numbers have been declining for years."

"We are your air force!" the Rito argued, "We are your eyes where you'd otherwise be blind."

"We'll manage." Gustav told him. The Rito shouted obscenities shortly before the guards gagged him and carried the struggling bird away.

"That bird has some serious anger issues." the Goron observed, "A nice zoo will do wonders for the poor fellow."

"And thus takes care of my two concerns." Gustav told the crowd, "We'll start rounding up our Rito populations as soon as this meeting's over. Anyone else have a concern or idea they'd like to share? … No one? Okay. Meeting adjourned."

In the Hall's holding cell, the guards were trying to get the Rito to calm down. When they removed the gag to feed him a sleeping potion, he started yelling.

"You don't want a war with us!" he screamed, "If you want to take away our freedom, you'll have to kill us all and you don't have the available manpower! My ancient people have never turned down a fight! We would rather die on the battlefield than live in a cage, you earth-bound heretics!"

Having had enough of the Rito's angry rant, one of the guards force-fed the potion to the Rito. The bird almost gagged as it forced its way past his throat.

"We'll… we'll fight you anywhere… and… everywhere." the bird said drowsily before drifting to sleep. The guards left, locking the cell door. In an hour, he will be shipped to the capital of Hyleana.


	2. The Flying Beast

Chapter Two

Alphonse Tinsmith, tenth Link of Hyleana, went over the schematics one last time. It should work. The science was sound and a bit of magic was added for a helpful boost. It had to work.

In front of him was a monstrosity of metal, wood, and fabric. He had poured so much blood, sweat, and United Republic funds into his ugly creation. It had massive fixed wings like a giant fabric demon. Its body was little more than a wood and metal frame holding the engine. cockpit, wires, and fuel tanks. The giant engine in the front powered giant sword-like propeller blades. The whole thing was supported by wheels cannibalized from different vehicles. Majora herself couldn't have dreamed up a scarier creation.

Alphonse climbed into the cockpit just as Gregory Well, his assistant, gave the propeller a good spin, starting the engine. The unnatural beast shook and roared as it raced down the makeshift runway. With the pull of a lever, it bounced repeatedly off the ground before it started gaining good elevation.

Alphonse began pushing his creation to its limits, making repeated sharp turns and dives at full speed. The artificial monster began groaning and creaking under the strain, as if it were protesting Alphonse's treatment of it. Satisfied with the results, Alphonse landed roughly in the nearby field and ran to his assistant.

"Are you insane?" Gregory demanded, "Do you really think the armies of the United Hyrule Republic would want your creation if you got yourself killed in a mere test run?"

"Irrelevant now." Alphonse scoffed as he dismissed Gregory's complaints, "The beast is a success. Now we just need to add some bombs."

"Bombs? Let the armies worry about that." Gregory told him, "This thing has great peacetime applications. Imagine dropping crates of food and clothes to impoverished towns and cities. Imagine finding lifeboats and men and women fallen overboard in mere hours instead of days. Imagine traveling from the northern Zoran state to the southern ones in a matter of hours, bypassing raging rivers and treacherous mountains. We have a revolution."

"I'll let you in on a secret." Alphonse told his assistant, "The United Republic had me design and build this thing for one big reason. Sure, it can save lives otherwise lost at sea. Sure, it can feed the otherwise inaccessible. But that's not why I built it."

Alphonse let the suspense build up before he continued.

"I built it to replace the Rito. They've been obsolete for centuries now. With a fleet of these monsters, the United Republic will be the most powerful nation in the entire continent."

"What if we made it float?" Gregory asked, "It could be rearmed and refueled by ships at sea, increasing the reach of the military as far as the next continent."

"Baby steps." Alphonse told his assistant, "It's a good idea best saved for a later model. For now, we add bombs."

"It could also be used to drop food in crates with parachutes." Gregory added, "You don't even have to do anything to the bomber."

"Soldiers have to eat, don't they? Some drop bombs on the enemy. Others drop food and other supplies for our soldiers. A few more fly with cartographers so our troops know where to go. It will be a revolution."

The pair locked up the aircraft in their hangar and headed for their home, a small cabin a few hundred yards away. Once inside, Alphonse took a pen and a piece of paper and began composing a letter.

"_To: Colonel Adam H. Bludgeoner of Fort Bloodyspear,_

_October 26, 1452,_

_Great news. The "Deathhawk" machine was a success today. On its maiden flight, it reached an estimated one-thousand feet above the ground. There are a few issues to work out before it can be retrofitted with explosive ordinance, but we may have it war-ready by the end of the year. After which, you will have a war-winning machine and we will be eagerly waiting our next assignment._

_We also wish for you to come to our air field so that we may personally demonstrate are great machine._

_-Alphonse Tinsmith_

_UHRWID Specialist/ Tenth Link of Hyleana_

_-Gregory Well_

_UHRWID Assistant Specialist_"

Link folded his letter and stuffed it in an envelope, marking it with the appropriate names and addresses. After placing it on a stack of outgoing mail, he looked at a metal box his assistant had left on the corner of his desk. Attached to it was a note.

"_-Alphonse Tinsmith,_

_Today marks the fifteenth anniversary of our graduating the academy together, making us full-fledged Specialists in the UHR's War Innovation Department. Already, I've enjoyed the small gold-plated royal shield replica and will likely be locating one of our kegs of celebratory beer by the time you're reading this should the new invention be successful._

_-Gregory Well_

_Assistant/ Partner"_

Alphonse smiled as he placed the note on his desk. The pair had been close friends, often mistaken for lovers by those unaware of their exploits with the opposite sex. Let's just say the pair are responsible for royal heirs in various kingdoms, in and outside the United Republic. Being the greatest inventors in generations has its perks.

Opening the box carefully, Alphonse removed the object and held it carefully in his hands. It was a quill pen made from a Rito wing feather. Given how rare the Rito had become over the years, the pen would have cost tens of thousands if Gregory hadn't been part of the region's most famous team.

Alphonse put it back in its box and took it into his room. After putting it on his dresser, Alphonse mailed the letter to the colonel and waited for Gregory to return with the beer.

"Looks like we'll have to buy a few kegs soon." Gregory announced as he carried the last keg from the basement.

"Love the new present." Alphonse said as he helped his assistant lift the keg onto the kitchen counter, "You know how much I love Rito things."

"It was nothing." Gregory said as he pulled out two beer mugs, "I took advantage of the local 'great inventors' discount."

"Those things are incredibly rare, though. Sure would love to meet one in real life."

"I heard they're rounding up the feathered ones and putting them in zoos."

"You don't say." Alphonse told Gregory, intrigued by the unexpected turn of events, "I knew the Rito were more than a little behind when it came to technology, science, and magic, among other things. Zoos, though. Seems a little extreme."

"It was decided yesterday." Gregory said after taking a sip of his beer, "Heard it on the gossip stone. It was a near-unanimous decision. The Rito chap was the only dissenting vote and he had to be dragged away kicking and screaming."

"Don't blame him." Alphonse sighed, "To be locked up in a cage, doomed to a life of being gawked at by onlookers. How do you love a woman, I mean really go all out physically loving a woman, when there's always somebody watching?"

"Could do the dying breed some good."

"Of course." Alphonse agreed, "The guys have a hard time turning down a fight they know they have no chance of winning. Even the Moblins, as aggressive as they are, know when to retreat once in a while."

"The Hall decided they were just mere animals that learned to speak and wield simple wood and stone weapons. The Rito guy vowed they'd fight to the death resisting the United Republic."

"They have spears." Alphonse sighed, "We have armor. They have wings. We have vehicles that don't tire. Knowing those proud birds, this'll end in a mass suicide."

"Their idea of suicide is finding an enemy soldier to gut them." Gregory countered, "Or to fly out into the ocean until they tire and drown. The United Republic can easily deal with the former peacefully and has more than enough rescue boats for the latter."

"What if they just fly up really high and then drop down head first?" Alphonse wondered.

"Their lighter bodies can cope better with falls." Gregory countered, "Less mass means less energy on impact. Plus, they're designed for lift and lift only. They're not aerodynamic enough to dive properly."

"Sucks to be them. May the Goddesses give them at least a little good news."

"They hate the Goddesses." Gregory told him, "The Rito see the Goddesses as nothing more than lazy and selfish deities that do nothing but bark orders at the faithful all day. They worship Valoo. They only worship things that actively and physically interact with the material world."

"The dragon?" Alphonse scoffed, "You're telling me their god is the ancient flying fat lizard that croaked recently? Do they even know what a god is?"

"Well, they were pretty faithful to the guy and now they'll worship Valoo's kid when it hatches."

"Madness." Alphonse sighed, "At least it'll be funny watching them worship the beast when it's also locked up in a zoo."

"That it will." Gregory agreed, "That it will."


	3. Temple of Onesided Love

Chapter Three

Azriella hated this part of the desert. Despite being the Gerudo queen, she was still expected to follow the Gerudo Council's orders and walk to some old temple in the middle of this wasteland of sand and rock. She doubted anyone but Majora herself could have been sinister to built a temple so far from the nearest stream or oasis.

She sat and prayed at the bottom of the huge Sand Goddess statue. She prayed for prosperity. She prayed for rain. Most of all, she prayed for a healthy, fertile lover. Any man would do, as long as he wasn't disease-ridden. It just had to be a healthy male. Despite the rumors spread across every inch of the United Republic, the Gerudo were not a nation of thieving, warring lesbians. Thieving, yes. Warring? They were proud warriors who loved a good fight, even if they have to start the war themselves.

But lesbians? The vast majority wanted men, who the Gerudo saw as the lesser sex. They wanted lovers that were literally chained to the home. They competed to see who had the best trophy mate.

Azriella sighed. All the good, submissive men were already taken. At least the pretty ones were. She wanted an heir, dammit. She wanted a mate to take care of that heir while she was off fighting and women were too equal in Gerudo society to make that work. Except for the Council. Those whiny old hags thought they were better than everyone else. Azriella would have loved to see them march this far into the desert without even a horse. At least the hardship made Azriella stronger than any of the spoilt councilwomen.

Azriella sighed as she headed for her chambers. Since the old palace was badly damaged by rogue moblin pirates under her watch (she'd like to see the council fend off an army of raging, ten-foot tall pigmen without collateral damage), the council banished her to the old Spirit Temple. Azriella would have preferred the councilwomen banish themselves to the darkest, smelliest bowels of the fecal-tossing Kokireans' cesspool of a "capital", but her royal title was mostly for show. Over the centuries, the Gerudo went from its glory days of an imperial powerhouse of an absolute monarchy to a plutocratic dystopia.

Azriella shook her head before her anger could cloud her mind further. She wasn't a powerless figurehead yet. Gerudo monarchs were the face of their "republic" (as if the corrupt council were any substitute for a well-designed senate). They were the chief diplomats that had the biggest hand in carving their foreign policy. They had almost enough sway to start a war against the council. Almost, but not quite. Azriella was still needed and that was just enough for now.

Azriella walked down the hall to her new room. The colorful walls rivaled Hyleana Castle in color and beauty. Light came from "fire rocks" (glowing rocks powered by heat, electricity, or, in this case, magic) that left no corner of the maze of hallways improperly lit. She roamed the twists and passages until she found a wooden door with her name on it.

"They had this planned for a while, didn't they?" she growled. Letting out a big breath to dispel much of her anger, she opened the door and walked into her room.

It was certainly different from what she was used to. Her old room could best be described as "Spartan", housing only the bare essentials to reflect her military upbringing. This room looked like it was ripped out of a Hylian castle. Against the wall nearby was a large, fancy bed surrounded by thin, light-pink, semi-opaque curtains hanging from a canopy. Nearby was a large, stained-glass window flooding the room with light. In a far corner was a large wooden wardrobe carved with traditional Gerudo designs. An open doorway led to a large bathroom. Water came from the massive underground stone pipes.

Azriella sighed as she sat down on the bed. Only in her twenties, her military career was effectively over. The council stripped her of her command of the army and sentenced her to a life suitable only for a fat, spoilt Hylian princess or a weak, submissive trophy-male (or a councilwoman), not a proud, strong warrior queen. She was raised to a life of war, so this new life was obviously meant to bring her shame.

She would not let the council shame her. She would not be reduced to some male with lady parts. Azriella walked back to the main goddess chamber. She wrote a quick note and located a priestess, telling her to venture to the holy city of Hyle'udona (Hi-lee-uu-doh-nuh) and bring a high priestess to the temple. If Azriella couldn't serve her country by her sisters' side, she would learn to serve their goddess Hyle'udo (sand Hylia).

Azriella left the temple and sat down on a bench by a crumbled pillar. Until her training under a high priestess was complete, she was nothing. She was going to need to turn her pants in for a priestess robe. Since she was queen, it would undoubtedly be fancy. Azriella preferred simple clothing, saving the fancier things for her future trophy husband.

Off in the distance, Azriella spotted what looked like a bird trying to stay ahead of a dust storm. As it flew closer, Azriella realized it was too big to be a bird native to the desert. Its body looked almost human. Whatever it is, it got caught in the storm and made a crash landing not too far from the temple.

After the storm waned enough, Azriella ran for the injured creature. As she made her way past a few boulders, she noticed that the poor thing was a Rito.

Wait, Rito? Their males were prized by Gerudo for their rarity and beauty. If it was male, Azriella had the perfect trophy to keep in her new temple home. If it were female, she'd have the thing shipped off to a zoo or reserve or something. Azriella could use the reward money.

The Rito slowly got up and started limping towards Azriella. By now, Azriella recognized it as a male mail carrier. The poor thing looked like he hadn't had a good meal or sleep in months. Azriella smiled as she rushed to her prize.

"I'm… looking… for… a queen of… Gerudo." he managed to get out before the pain and exhaustion began setting in.

"I'm Queen Azriella of the Gerudo." she told him, "You're injured. Come inside the temple."

"Can't. I have to return home after this delivery." he said as he pulled the letter out of his mail pouch, quickly draining what little energy he managed to summon from his body.

"It's hot enough to bake bread out here." she said as she picked the tired bird, "I'm sure your people wouldn't want us to send your roasted body back."

The Rito was suspicious. Most people would have just accepted the letter and let him return home. What did Azriella want? By now, he was just barely staying awake.

"I must refuse your offer." he insisted, "A mail carrier always returns home after the last of his deliveries."

"Key word is 'return'." Azriella growled, "This desert is a death trap. The only reason I'm here is because the Gerudo Councilwomen banished me here for political reasons. What's your name?"

"Ezli." he told her before he fell asleep in her arms.

"Ezli." Azriella spoke to herself, "I like it. I hope you don't mind an early retirement, Ezli."

Azriella carried Ezli into the temple, through the halls, and into the room. She filled the bathtub, stripped her prize, and carefully scrubbed him. Outside the occasional scrape and bruise, she noticed most of his condition stemmed from malnutrition, dehydration, and lack of sleep. It was nothing she'd need a doctor for. Especially not when a former soldier like Azriella knew a few things about fixing bodies.

Once he was clean, she dried him and laid him on her bed. Looking in her wardrobe, she found a pink hooded bathrobe. Well, everything in there was either a fancy hooded robe (Azriella loathed looking fancy) or pink dress. This was obviously the Council's doing. Pink was a color for a Hylian princess and Azriella loathed their lazy lifestyle.

Azriella dressed him in he girly robe and watched him sleep. Pink was clearly a Gerudo trophy male color and it made him even more beautiful. It would make the Council jealous to see Azriella with such a beautiful trophy. They'd either confiscate him for their harem or ship him off to a zoo or something. She'd need to keep him hidden from them.

Azriella leaned over the bed and kissed her new trophy. "This is his bed." Azriella thought, "I like simpler military cots better and a pretty trophy male needs a pretty bed."

Did they have simpler beds here? Priestesses traditionally slept in fancier beds, though the Council still got the fanciest shit. Maybe hey have sleeping bags. It'd be fancy, but it would be more appropriate for a former warrior than a bed straight out of a royal Hylian room.

Azriella shuddered at the thought of being Hylian royalty. She didn't hate them. Heck, she was friends with King Gustav and his daughter Zelda. She just couldn't understand how they could enjoy being waited on hand and foot by a team of maids and servants. At least Gustav served as an infantryman in his younger years and Zelda spent a year or two as a sailor in the United Republic navy. They had her respect. "They probably really miss their respective branches of the military." Azriella thought, "Probably hated to have to give that honor up."

Ezli woke up a few moments later. Rito mail carriers usually didn't sleep long while stressed.

"Where am I?" he asked as he sat up, "What happened."

"You're in my bedroom in the old Spirit Temple." Azriella explained, "You fell asleep after you crashed into the ground. I carried you to safety."

"Thanks. I've got to get back home."

"You are home."

"Not your home; my home." Ezli said as he tried to get out of bed.

"You're not going anywhere, Ezli." Azriella growled, "Didn't you get the memo? They're rounding up every Rito they can find and locking them up in cages for the rest of their lives."

"Stop making things up." Ezli growled back, "I need to get back home to rest for my next delivery."

"It's true." Azriella told him, "All members of the United Hyrule Republic are required by a new law to ship Ritos to appropriate permanent holding facilities. Your nation is dissolved, Ezli. Every one of your Rito friends that hasn't managed to escape the extraction parties are being locked up in zoos."

"Out of my way!" Ezli barked, "I've had it with your stories."

"I've waited too long for a trophy male!" Azriella yelled, "I won't have you shipped off to some cage or stuck as some turkey-vulture's love slave."

"No more stories!" Ezli demanded, "You can't keep me here forever! Kidnapping is a big felony in the United Republic and you don't want a dozen armed commandos busting down your door."

"This is serious. The Hall decided earlier this week that your kind is no longer considered human. You're considered a lower form of animal than the stupid moblin and moblins are still considered human. Your kind is dying out, so the entire United Republic is hunting your kind down and locking you up in zoos and reserves. I know this because I was at the Hall at the time. I heard it all. I even voted for it."

"This is stupid." Ezli squawked angrily, "This is madness. We've been the United Republic's principle mail service providers and air force for centuries. There's no way they'd give that all up. How stupid do you think I am?"

"Very." Azriella answered honestly, "I know it's hard for your bird brain to understand. Sacrifices in that part of the brain had to be made to make room for your internal compass. Let me dumb it down for you."

"Don't patronize me." Ezli growled. Azriella continued anyway.

"Birdy think birdy people." she told him in her most childish, demeaning voice, "Government says birdy not people. Birdy think birdy smart. Birdy not smart. Birdy go outside; birdy get locked up. Birdy stay inside; birdy get nice place to live in. Nice lady like pretty birdy. Nice lady give pretty birdy yummy food. Nice lady give pretty birdy pretty clothes. Nice lady give birdy shiny things. Outside hot. Outside bad. Inside cool. Inside good."

"That is enough!" Ezli yelled angrily, "I am not some child that'll believe your lies. I am a Rito. I am a proud mail carrier and you can't stop me from fulfilling my promise to unite the world with nothing more than my wits, my wings, and my trusty mail pouch. I am Ezli, United Hyrule Republic Air Mail Service Specialist id no. 0010138090 Rito Team designation N457. I will continue our streak of 1440 years eight months and nine days of continuous, uninterrupted mail service 6 days a week, 312 and one quarter days a year!"

"We could have done this the easy way." Azriella sighed, "Oh well. Once a warrior, always a warrior and a warrior loves a good challenge. Here's some advice from someone who cares about her trophy. You wouldn't be so dumb if you didn't memorize all that. There's no need to know how long your kind have been moving letters. What you need to know is your record is never going to reach year fifteen-hundred."

"You can't stop us."

"The entire United Republic can. There's nowhere to run, birdy. Face it. You're obsolete. The flying machine is already invented and there can't be more than a few thousand of you guys left in the entire United Republic. You guys are stubborn to the point of being suicidal. Your technology hasn't progressed past pointy sticks. Your system of self-governance has been obsolete since before your kind first settled here. You're a living relic and you need to be locked up before you get yourself killed."

"You can't stop me."

"I can break your wings." Azriella warned, causing Ezli to lay back down defeated.

"Why?" Ezli asked, "Why lock me up. If we're getting ourselves killed, why stop us? If we're useless, why save us? If I am to believe any of that story, give me a reason."

"I'm keeping you because I am a proud Gerudo queen. I need a pretty man to show off as a trophy. Since you are a particularly beautiful member of an endangered race, there's no status symbol better than you. As for your other questions, you're idiots. We'd dumb it down as much as we could and you still wouldn't understand. Just swallow your pride and let me pamper you."

Ezli let out a big sigh. There was no escape, at least not now.

"What do you want me to do?" Ezli asked.

"I'm going to show you off to the priestesses now that you're cooperating." Azriella said with a smile, "You can trust them. They won't send you to the Gerudo Council of Aging Whores, always accepting wrinkly, stuck-up new members. First, though, I need to dress the part. I'm a priestess in training, so I have to look like one."

Ezli turned away when Azriella took off her top.

"Bad birdy!" Azriella shouted, "Other people look away. You're my trophy-slave, so you admire my beauty."

"I'm not comfortable with the idea of watching someone undress."

"This isn't Hyleana." Azriella growled, "Neither of us are Hylian. I am a Gerudo and a good male never ignores his Gerudo wife's beauty."

"It's disrespectful." Ezli argued, "I'm not comfortable treating you like a common stripper."

"You're not in Happy-Stupid Rito Land." Azriella countered, "You're in the middle of the Gerudo nation. If you don't want your neck paralyzed and your eyelids removed, you'll admire my body for the natural piece of art that it is."

Ezli reluctantly watched as Ezli shed her pants and undergarments. He couldn't help but notice the mess of scars on her belly, back, and legs. Azriella then slowly donned a pink priestess robe from her wardrobe, taking extra care to give Ezli a good view of her ass.

"Did you like what you saw?" she asked as she pulled the hood over her head, "That's the thing about being my trophy. While other Gerudo are admiring you all day, you get to admire me."

"I couldn't help but notice all those scars on your body." Ezli told her, "Considering your former occupation, I'm sure there's a fascinating story behind each one."

"My funny birdy is curious about his wife's battle scars. I'm not sure you're ready for those stories."

"That sucks. What else is there to do around here besides look pretty?"

"Sex, mostly." Azriella explained, "That's why we get trophy males. Come on. The others aren't getting any younger."

"What's the rush?"

"Never keep a temple full of Gerudos waiting too long." Azriella warned, "You're the only man around for hundreds of miles. The longer you wait, the more 'work' is going to pile up and we will not settle for a rushed job.'

"Job? All I've ever known was the postal service."

"Your new career is much older." Azriella hinted, "Around here, business will be booming for you all year round."

"I'm not sure what you're getting at." Ezli admitted.

"Don't worry your sweet, dumb head about it. Let's just say your uniform is going to be easier to get out of than most."

Ezli's gut was telling him to run, but he was still too tired and hungry.

"Let's get you acquainted with the others." Azriella told him seductively, "You'll get a nice meal and some 'entertainment'."

"What are you hinting at?" Ezli demanded.

"Look, you're a male slave in a temple full of women." Azriella explained.

"Soooo… this is one of those lesbian temples?"

"If it was, we would have sold you out to the United Republic already." Azriella sighed, wondering just how stupid Ezli really was, "Look, we're not lesbians. We're tired of that stereotype. We have a need; a big need. We want males to satisfy that need. We'd never let a female satisfy that need. We're not Hylian women, after all. You, you're a male. You're the only male in the entire temple. We need to satisfy that need and you're the only person here we'd allow to satisfy that need. Do you understand?"

"So, you have jars you need opening?" Ezli wondered, "I'm still not buying that 'not lesbian' thing. I'm still kinda convinced you are one. Why else would you dress and talk like that? And that butch hair-cut."

"I was recently retired from the military!" Azriella shouted, "That's it. You're getting raped twice as hard!"

"Wait. What!"

Before Ezli could protest, Azriella lifted him off the bed and carried him to the horny priestesses.


	4. A Stay at the Castle

Chapter Four

It had been a little over a week since the Hall passed that dreadful order. Supposedly, it was the only way to help the Rito people. Zelda knew better. Before the order, the Rito controlled valuable land and resources. With the Rito out of the way, the United Republic could take the land and get even richer.

Not that the princess had any moral ground to stand on. Not every Rito caught went straight to a zoo or reserve. She was among a growing number of political leaders who secretly took a Rito or two… or five. She was a bit of a hypocrite. She hated the order and the idea of basically kidnapping entire villages, but she loved having them as pets.

Zelda climbed out of the tub and dried herself off. Donning her bathrobe, she hurried to her door just in time to see her "guest" approach her door.

"I was just going to tell you that it's getting late and I should be heading back home."

"It's too far, Alphy." Zelda pleaded.

Alphy. Alphonse Tinsmith smiled at the nickname.

"Alphy?" he asked, "No 'Mr. Tinsmith'? No 'Link'? Not even a very informal 'Alphonse'?"

"What, we haven't been going out once a month for the past few months?" Zelda asked, "We go on what could best be described as 'dates'. You hold my hand without even realizing it. I'd say we make it official."

"I suppose Gregory will be alright." Alphonse sighed, "Ever since we invented the flying machine, women have been appearing left and right trying to get to know him intimately. I'm guessing they're hoping for a genius baby or two. Where did this 'date' idea come from? I thought you were, well… let's just say you're closer to the Gerudo queen than you are to me."

"We may be young, hormonally active women, but we aren't lesbians." Zelda explained, "The only reason Queen Azriella doesn't have a king by her side is that the Gerudo Councilwomen keep getting in the way of her finding a mate. She's not sleeping around with her countrywomen. She's not waiting for the right woman. She said the greatest day of her life was when she found her new lover, Ezli. For some reason, Ezli describes it as the worst day in his."

"Fine, you're not a lesbian." Alphonse sighed, "Maybe we are dating. I guess that's why the swarms of women have been avoiding me. No one wants to tempt fate, and the executioner's ax, going after a princess's lover."

"Damn right, they don't."

"So, where are your 'pets'?" Alphonse asked.

"Well, my horse is in the stable. You've met my helmarock, Shinytail."

"I mean your, well…Ritos."

"What?"

"I've seen the feathers, Zelda." Alphonse told her, "I know you have a few. Everyone knows."

"They're shy." Zelda told him, "They only like me because they don't want to be shipped off to a zoo."

"Where are they?" Alphonse pestered, "I've always wanted to see a Rito."

"Promise you won't tell." Zelda pleaded, "If I show you, promise you won't let word get out. I love them and I wouldn't want them to be shipped off to some zoo."

"You're the princess of Hyleana." Alphonse reassured her, "If I told everyone you were keeping Ritos, the public would think we broke up and that I was spreading nasty rumors about you. Famous or not, I'd be put to death. I may be brave and a little reckless, but I'm not stupid."

"Okay." she sighed, pulling her bathrobe hood over her damp hair, "They're in a part of the castle off limits to most of the staff. You'd have to be either part of the royal family or in our inner circle to enter. You can't tell anyone anything. If they ask what we were doing that was so secretive, tell them we made love."

"I guess that's a lie they could believe."

"Who said it's a lie?" Zelda asked, "Father's been pestering me for an heir, even if it has to be a bastard."

"I do have experience in continuing royal bloodlines."

"We could get married." Zelda continued, fantasizing, "You'd be a prince and, eventually, king. I'd be married to the Hero of Invention. You'd become Chief Specialist in the United Hyrule Republic Innovation Department. It wouldn't be completely cronyism since you really are the best.

"Zelda. Ritos." Alphonse said, trying to get Zelda's attention, "Me want birdies. Princess show birdies, yes?"

"Sorry." Zelda quickly apologized, "I got a little carried away."

Zelda grabbed Alphonse's hand as she led him through a series of halls and doors. Alphonse blushed, unused to being with a woman so forward. Eventually, they made it to the room. Alphonse counted five Rito. All were wearing royal dresses.

"I didn't know you had dresses." Alphonse told her.

"They're gifts." Zelda sighed, "I don't like dresses. They're also wearing my heels. I hate high heels."

"Good evening, Princess Zelda." one of them greeted, bowing, "Who is your friend?"

"Everyone, this is Alphonse Tinsmith." Zelda announced to the group, "He's going to be staying here in the castle for a while."

"How long?" Alphonse asked.

"As long as I like." Zelda told him, "I'm the princess here, not you."

"You can't keep Hyleana's genius locked up." Alphonse warned, "There's always a way out."

"How good are you at breaking out of dungeons?"

"Where will I be staying?" Alphonse asked, defeated.

"My room, of course. After all, you can only love someone so much when they're not in your bed… naked."

"This is a side of you I never want to see again." Alphonse sighed, "Why did I get stuck with you?"

"You're stuck with me because I'm the princess." Zelda explained as she pulled him in closer, "And you… you're the hero. You're this generation's Link. It's your destiny."

"That's right." Alphonse sighed, "I just hope you aren't one of those spoiled princesses."

"I'm going to have Hyleana's hero in my bed every night for the rest of my life. Doesn't that make me spoiled?" Zelda asked, "I'm the only one who has what everyone else wants. Wouldn't that give me a big ego and sense of entitlement? Can't you just see your life a few years from now?"

"No."

"Let me help you imagine it, Alphy. You're tinkering with a yet another machine that's sure to revolutionize life as we know it. Our baby is sleeping in his or her crib. Hopefully his, since girls can be real bitches."

"You're a girl." Alphonse pointed out.

"Exactly. Now, it's a warm summer's day, so one of the Ritos brings you a drink. Mailman comes and delivers a letter. Apparently, your friend is now just a few promotions away from being head of the entire War Innovation Department. Anyway, my father is away doing foreign relations stuff with the Federation, so I'm acting as a temporary queen."

"It's hard to imagine you wearing that queen gown and crown and shit." Alphonse said with a smirk.

"Who said I'd be the one in the dress?" Zelda pointed out, "Male cross-dressers just happens to be one of my fetishes. I can just picture you in a long, but tight, sleeveless dress. Your hairy, well-muscled arms providing contrast to the silky fabric. Lipstick meshing well with the surrounding facial-hair. Big, hairy feet slid into sexy black heels. We'll improve your long hair from your current barbarian-warrior look to something bigger and far more elegant and feminine."

"I like my body and even I find that image disturbing." Alphonse complained, "You need to erase that thought from the minds of me and the Ritos and I hope you can swing a blunt object hard enough to get the job done."

"The Ritos have been introduced to sexier ideas. You should see the pictures I painted of you and your friend, Gregory."

"I really shouldn't." Alphonse told her, "I just ate and I'm planning on fitting another meal some point into my busy schedule of not looking at whatever you painted. Eating again is something I look forward to doing later in life."

"It's of a scene of a book I'm writing." Zelda explained, "Gregory returns home from a long day at the local War innovation Department outpost. The two of you have been looking forward to this moment for a while; a moment where the two of you can finally have some quiet time together."

"If it's erotic, please tell me a woman is involved." Alphonse pleaded.

"There are two. Lady Amberstone of the Hylealloo Republic and the Twili king's daughter, Princess Lanu. They've been giving you neck rubs and a meal just like anyone would do for Hyleana's most important man in decades. They leave the room just as you and Gregory are removing your clothes for a fun night of…"

"I've heard enough." Alphonse interrupted, "You're where those rumors about me and my assistant came from. It has to be you. It's time to change the subject. Please tell me about your Ritos."

"The one in the white dress is Princess Lovehawk." Zelda began, "Don't let the name fool you. She's actually a he. By him in the pink dress is Lady Lovebird, another male. I've been helping them get past their differences and love each other. For some reason, they seem more interested in Lord Funnybeak and Prince Prettyfeathers, the females in the red and blue dresses, respectively. Fortunately, Funnybeak and Prettyfeathers haven't been engaging in funny lovey-dovey stuff. Unfortunately, they have been getting all lovey-dovey with Lovehawk and Lovebird."

"You need help." Alphonse pointed out, "You shouldn't be around these birds and that's for their sake. Please tell me you haven't been getting all 'lovey-dovey' with any of them."

"If you must know, I've been saving my kisses for Lady Freebird, the male in the purple dress that I've been teaching guitar to. Tomorrow, I introduce Funnybeak and Prettyfeathers to pants."

"Help us." Princess Lovehawk pleaded, "She's crazy. You can't even imagine what she's putting 'Lady Freebird' through. We'll take our chances with the zoo. Please, save us."

"You know, I know a few obscure spells." Zelda told Alphonse casually, "A little magic and a well-carved wooden mask and I'll have myself a sixth Rito. A sixth mute, magically lobotomized Rito that knows his place. Maybe I'll have two or even six mute, magically lobotomized Ritos to play with all day every day."

"My 'Princess Zelda is crazy' hypothesis is moving steadily toward 'theory'." Alphonse muttered to himself.

"I know I'm a little loony." Zelda told Alphonse, "I know my mind may have things going on that shouldn't. I don't hate it. I don't fear or ignore it. I embrace it. I love the crazy, Alphonse. I love it. I love the weird desires and bizarre fetishes. I love knowing I should be institutionalized or at least medicated. That's why I'm insisting you sleep with me tonight and I don't just mean slumber. By the end of this week, you'll love the crazy as much as I do. Either that or I introduce you to a permanent transformation mask."

"I'm thinking I need some alone time, say fifty years." Alphonse told her.

"I'm afraid I'm not just some figurehead." Zelda warned, "I'm not just some pretty face they'll carve into a coin. This is an absolute monarchy, Alphy. I don't settle for some snooty prince or inbred noble. Crazy or not, I settle for best. You're the best, Alphy. You gave a son to a certain Zoran princess and she was as barren as the Gerudo desert. You could get a stone pregnant just by standing near it."

"I haven't been liking where this is going for what feels like a very long time." Alphonse complained. Zelda continued.

"Imagine the castle swarming with an army of princes and princesses. Imagine being their mommy while Daddy Zelda rules her country."

"I'm imagining myself running very, very far away from here."

"You're so silly, Alphy." Zelda laughed, "You're going to live here for now on. I'm going to let you get acquainted with the birdies. Don't go too far. My Shiekah guards won't like it."

As soon as Zelda left, the Ritos approached Alphonse.

"You have to help us." Lady Lovebird pleaded, "You have to get us out of here."

"I'm afraid I'm just as stuck here as you are." Alphonse sighed.

"But you're the hero." Lady Lovebird insisted, "You're the latest in a long line of heroes who've slain demons. The very sound of your title instills fear in the hearts of villains everywhere. You have to help."

"Listen, this is different." Alphonse told the desperate Rito, "Times are different. Those heroes had the backing of entire kingdoms. Who was good and who was evil was clear to everyone. Now, it's all political. The black and white world has muddled into gray and the era of heroes might as well be over."

"That's no way to talk." Lady Lovebird told him, "You have a villain and her name is Zelda. You have five feathered damsels in distress and you didn't even have to look for them. The villain brought you to them. Now, Hyrule has gone crazy. My kind are being rounded up throughout the land. Why? Various reasons. We threaten Zoran control of the waves. Hylians want our land and our resources. Gorons believe we are mere animals that need to be protected from the modern world. The Gerudo have always used our men as a status symbol. Moblins follow whoever is in charge."

"What's your point?" Alphonse asked.

"It's the hero's job to take the damsels out of the villains kingdom. It's a big world out there. Mountains that pierce the sky. Forests as big as oceans. Rivers, lakes, valleys, and deserts with untold beauty. That's our goal, Alphonse. It won't be easy. Failure means life in a zoo or worse… being taken back here. You'll have the help of five Ritos."

"Or you can stay here." Alphonse suggested, "You're talking a thousand miles to the nearest shoreline. We'll need food, shelter, and money. As soon as we leave the castle, assuming we make it that far, we'll be wanted. It's doomed to failure. At least here, you have free room and board."

"Do you have any idea what it's like here?" Lady Lovebird demanded, "That royal witch Zelda's been slowly lobotomizing us with her magic. We can't even remember our real names. She's been taking Freebird there into her chambers and it's not for a game of cards. He's been saving himself for a suitable mate, Alphonse. Lovehawk and I haven't fared much better. She's been having us 'perform' in positions from her charts and books. She's crazy, Alphonse. We've even been praying to Valoo that she is merciful enough to go ax crazy on us."

"Don't talk like that." Alphonse pleaded, "It can't be that bad. I hope it isn't that bad."

"She has a dress picked out for you." Lady Lovebird pointed out, "Dresses and heels, just like Freebird, Lovehawk, and me. Only the girls have been allowed to go barefoot. If you want to spend your life having tea parties in a big green dress, go by the name Queen Linka, and try to start a family of Hylian-Rito hybrids with the girls, stay here. Live out Zelda's twisted fantasies as a magically-lobotomized living, smiling, talking, loving doll. If you want normalcy and a life free from this madness, escape. We'll find a new land. We'll find the land of our ancestors and start anew."

"If I escape, I'm not dragging you five deadweights."

"We can fly, Alphonse." Lady Lovebird pointed out, "What can you do? If anyone's deadweight, it's you. You're earthbound. Your only advantage is you don't have the entire United Hyrule Republic trying to lock you in a cage."

"You really do belong in a cage." Alphonse told him bluntly, "That's your problem. You're dumb-asses. You haven't developed since your kind arrived here and you were out-of-date then. You worship a giant lizard. You have tools. So do monkeys. You can talk. So can various other birds. Stay here and play dress-up with the princess. I can at least convince her we're better off friends than lovers."

"You are a disgrace." Lady Lovebird growled, "You call yourself a hero. Of course you should rescue us. It's your job. You think they only gave you training to keep you busy? You save people. We're people. None of the other heroes would have turned their backs on the needy. What makes you so special? What makes you so much better than those who risked their lives slaying Majora? What makes you better than the heroes that stopped the Great Invasion? You have a job. Do it."

"I save people. You are not people. You're animals. You're pets. The only reason people aren't allowed to kill you for sport is you're on the verge of extinction. I have a place. It's the battlefield or the lab. You have a place. It's here. Get used to it."

"Are you just going to turn your back on us?" Lady Lovebird demanded, "You're going to let this madness continue?"

"For animals, you have a good thing going." Alphonse growled, "I'd rather put on that dress than let you five spoiled asses tell me what to do. Put on your dresses, put on your high-heeled shoes, and shut up."

"Spoiled asses? Who saved your ass in the Battle of the Goron Range? Me. I was the Rito that pulled you out of that ravine when the bridge broke. I flew you to that field hospital. You owe me. Get us out of here before I regret not leaving your corpse to rot."

"I owe you nothing." Alphonse countered, "I used to feel sorry for you. Now I'm glad you're stuck here with a crazy princess. I'm glad your kind is being rounded up. I don't want that land to go to waste. That's what you are: waste. I'll let you in on a secret. I invented the flying machine. I replaced you completely. The only thing you had going for you is gone. I'm glad I did it. If I could go back in time to the time of the first settlements, I'd invent it then. I'd have your kind hunted down. Not killed. That would be too good for you. I would have you where you are right now: in a dress, gloves, and heels in a crazy princess's castle miserable with boredom. I'd curse you so that not even death could rescue you from this fate. Know your place, bird."

Angered, Lady Lovebird removed a glove and wrapped it around Alphonse's neck when he had his back turned.

"Allow me to make room for someone more deserving of your title." Lady Lovebird growled as he pulled the glove tighter, "I hope your replacement has more decency than you. Not only do I regret saving you, I regret not being the one to destroy that bridge while you were on it. I regret not defecating on your corpse. Know your place, hero. That place is six feet underground."

Shiekah guards burst through the door and separated the two.

"That's not how good birdies act." the first Shiekah scolded.

"Poor thing doesn't know any better." the second Shiekah told the first, "Look at him. Probably needs more time in the lobotomy room."

"You're lucky my spear is gone!" Lady Lovebird shouted, "I'd have you rotting in your graves! I'd be reunited with Valoo. I am not a pet! I am a warrior and you all will face this Rito's wrath!"

"You've been warned before, Lady Lovebird." the first Shiekah told him, "Now your lobotomy will be more thorough."

The two Shiekah left the room, dragging a struggling Lady Lovebird. With that angry Rito gone, Alphonse enjoyed the company of the much more timid others.


End file.
